A Call to Destiny
Q.
Dear Avery-Grace,
I was destined to be so much more. Overcame hurdles many could not reach with my deficiencies. Yet I judge myself the hardest. I am the one dissatisfied with everything about myself. Yet I do not blame myself. Because I know that it is false in my reasonable mind. But at the end of the day, I am angry at myself for having medical episodes. Is it okay to think we are failures if there is truth to some degree? Why are we not allowed to judge ourselves to the nth degree? At the end of the day, I am disappointed I look forward to the dark and curse the rise of the sun, trying to escape my illnesses. Again, why can we not be allowed to judge ourselves critically? I am the one who knows the situation better than others. Pride is a sin after all.
-Joie de Vivre
A.
Joie de Vivre,
Thank you for trusting me with this. First, I am going to share a little bit about myself. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with seizures, and that, along with other factors, completely derailed my life. I was working for a non-profit in DC and attending grad school. I had to give up on both after several “failed” attempts to keep going. For years, I felt so lost and inadequate. I didn’t know if I would ever be the same person again, and I am not. Now, I do not see what happened as a series of failures because I have come to terms with the fact that I have no control over my seizures, and my job at the time was just to survive, honestly. My seizures are largely caused by stress, so for the longest time, I felt trapped because there were no areas I felt I could ease up on until life forced me to. What I’m saying is, don’t let fear get in the way of adapting what your life “should” look like.
It sounds like you judge things about yourself that you can’t control. We can’t will ourselves out of chronic illness, unfortunately. It also sounds like you see these medical episodes as a shortfall in who you are. You are not your illness. You’re judging things about yourself that happened to you, not that you did to yourself, and if these episodes are related to trauma in any way, that only furthers my point. There is no timeline for healing that is “correct.”
Here’s the thing: we can reasonably know something to be true, just as you said you do not blame yourself, and also feel completely different about it. Right now, especially under this presidential administration, we are being told that any deviation from what has been the standard in this country since its founding is wrong. We are cut out of society and cast aside as useless. But the truth is, we are more powerful than they can ever imagine. Because, as you said, we have overcome hurdles that many could not. We SURVIVE. And surviving IS enough.
It is normal to judge yourself, but do not punish yourself. There is a difference between self-reflection, which encourages plausible growth over what we can control, and punishing ourselves for what we feel like we should be able to control or overcome. I will say it again, you are more than your illness. You are power waiting to be tapped into.
You ask why you’re not “allowed” to judge yourself to the nth degree. The real question is: does that level of judgment actually help you, or does it just deepen the pain? You can be honest about your limits, your struggles, even your regrets—without turning yourself into the enemy.
You haven’t failed because your body or mind has made things harder. You’ve adapted, endured, and kept going in ways most people never have to. That matters, even if it doesn’t feel like enough.
And the part of you that looks forward to darkness—that’s not pride or failure. That’s someone who’s tired.
You deserve rest, not punishment. While I don’t know the whole story, I know that you are human, and as humans, we are not perfect. Give yourself grace. Also, if you feel you are destined for more, I believe you can make that happen. If there’s a will, there’s a way, even if it doesn’t look like the path others have taken. This is your chance to forge your own way. Go forth with kindness and love for yourself.
